var howMany = 22; var quote = new Array(howMany+1) quote[0]="In the middle of the night, in the middle of nowhere, two cars both slightly cross over the white line in the middle of the road, colliding and causing a fair amount of damage, but nobody is injured.
It is impossible to assess blame for the accident on either driver.
They both get out. One is a doctor and the other is a lawyer. The lawyer calls the police on his car phone; they'll be there in 20 minutes.
It's cold and damp, and both men are shaken up. The lawyer offers the doctor a drink of brandy from his hip flask, the doctor accepts, drinks and hands it back to the lawyer, who puts it away.
'Aren't you going to have a drink?' the doctor says.
'No.' replies the lawyer" quote[1]="A man wanders into a back street Brighton antique shop. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs. 'Twelve pounds for the bronze rat, sir,' says the shop owner, 'and a thousand pounds more for the story behind it.' 'You can keep the story, old man,' he replies, 'but I'll take the rat.' The transaction complete, the man leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the shop, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously. By the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge there is a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm, while he hurls the bronze rat into sea with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up out of reach and clinging tightly to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown. Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop. 'Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story,' says the owner. 'No,' says the exhausted man, 'I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer.'" quote[2]="Walking past the Royal Courts of Justice one day, a man spotted a friend of his sitting on the steps outside, sobbing loudly with his head buried in his hands. 'What's the matter?' he asked of his friend, 'did your lawyer give you bad advice..?'
'No - it's worse than that,' replied the friend between sobs, 'he sold it to me...'" quote[3]="Two solicitors came to a sticky end and were slowly making their way up
to Heaven. On their way up the great staircase that leads to the Pearly Gates one turned to the other and said, 'Look, Piers, I don't care how rare it is for a solicitor to make it up here, if there are any barristers in there, I'm not going in. Especially silks. I'm sick of them all..'
'Agreed, Tarquin,' replied the other, 'I'm with you all the way on that. I'd rather suffer an eternity in hell than talk to another Q.C.'
And so it was that they reached the gate, and with much eyebrow raising by the heavenly host were judged worthy to enter. 'One moment, St. Peter,' said Piers as the gates swung wide, 'just one thing - We're sick of Barristers - are there any inside? Because if there are, the deal's off...'
'Certainly not!' Cried St. Pete, 'You're quite safe - no barristers in here..' Thus reassured, the two pressed on. They were finding heaven very enjoyable until all of a sudden an ancient looking chap with a long beard, wearing a barristers gown and wig pushed past them, a bundle of papers under one arm and a battered copy of the Weekly reports under the other.. Enfuriated they stormed back to St. Peter. Oi - St. Peter! cried Piers, already drafting his pleadings in his head, 'You said there were no barristers here..'
'There aren't,' stammered St. Peter
'Well who's the silk in with the long beard, then?' demanded the outraged lawyer.
'Oh,' Said St. Peter, realisation dawning, 'That's not a barrister! That's God. He just thinks he's a barrister..' " quote[4]="In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. (the husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.)" quote[5]="Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores." quote[6]="In Santa Cruz, Bolivia it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. " quote[7]="It takes twenty years or more of peace to make a man; it takes only twenty seconds of war to destroy him." quote[8]="A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realises that he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, 'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am.'
The man below says, 'Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet about this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees North latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees West longitude.'
'You must be a lawyer,' says the balloonist.
'I am,' replied the man, 'How did you know?'
'Well,' says the balloonist, 'Everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is, I am still lost.'
'You must be a client,' says the lawyer.
'I am,' replies the balloonist, 'How did you know?'
'Well,' says the lawyer, 'You don't know where you are or where you are going. You have made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault.'" quote[9]="In Law, nothing is certain but the expense. - Samuel Butler
A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers. - H.L. Mencken " quote[10]="Ever notice a theme in company names?
If it's a single somewhat aristocratic sounding name such as 'Bogglesworth of London, est. 1793', they're most likely a tea, coffee, or wine importer.
If it's two names, such as Gilchrist & Soames or Avalon & Gray, they seem to be soap, skin care, or clothing products.
If it's three names, it's an insurance firm or small law firm.
If it's four names, it's an upper tier law firm.
It it's five names, it's a small law firm that's merged with a soap company."; quote[11]="

Three Questions

CLIENT: Can you tell me what your fees are?
LAWYER: Well, I charge 100 pounds to answer three questions.
CLIENT: That's rather steep, isn't it?
LAWYER: Yes, now what's your final question?"; quote[12]="

Time Sheets

A lawyer dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself greeted at the early Gates by a brass band. Saint Peter runs over, shakes his hand and says 'Congratulations!!!'
'Congratulations for what?' asks the lawyer. 'Congratulations for what?!?!?' says Saint Peter. 'We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old.'
'But that's not true,' says the lawyer. 'I only lived to be forty.'
'That's impossible,'says Saint Peter. 'We've added up your time sheets.'"; quote[13]="

Lunch

Two solicitors went into a pub and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.
The licensee became quite agitated and marched over and told them, 'You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!'
The lawyers looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches."; quote[14]="

Valentines

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing 'Love' stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.
The balding man then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying them all.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.
The man says, 'I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'
'But why?' asks the man.
'I'm a divorce lawyer.'"; quote[15]="There’s an interesting new novel about two ex-convicts. One of them studies to become a lawyer, and the other decided to go straight."; quote[16]="How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they’d rather keep their client’s in the dark."; quote[17]="A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil.  As he passed sulphurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.
“That’s unfair!” he cried.  “I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman”.
“Shut up,” barked the devil, jabbing him with his pitchfork. 
“Who are you to question that woman’s punishment?"; quote[18]="Did you hear about the sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?
It’s called Sosumi."; quote[19]="What’s wrong with lawyer jokes?
Lawyers don’t think they’re funny and other people don’t think they’re jokes."; quote[20]="A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket and ordered a double scotch. A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his pocket and ordered another double. This routine was followed for some time, until after looking into his pocket, the man told the bartender he’d had enough.
The bartender said “I’ve got to ask you –what’s with the pocket business?”
“Oh” said the man’ “I have my lawyer’s picture in here, and when he starts to look honest, I know I’ve had enough”."; quote[21]="An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing. A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.“All set back here, Captain” came the reply “except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards”."; quote[22]="

Marrying a lawyer

A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married 12 times. On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride said to her new groom, 'Please, promise to be gentle. I am still a virgin.' This puzzled the groom, since after 12 marriages, he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomenon.
She responded:
My first husband was a Software Salesman who spent our entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, It's gonna be great!'
My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he would send me documentation.
My third husband was from Field Services and constantly said that everything was diagnostically OK, but he just couldn't get the system up.
My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and he simply said, Those who can, do; those who can't, teach.
My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department and said that he had the orders, but he wasn't quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver.
My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state- of-the-art method.
My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration. His comments were that he knew how, but he just wasn't sure whether it was his job.
My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations and told me that he was up to the standards but that regulations said nothing about how to do it.
My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. He said, I know I have the product. I'm just not sure how to position it.'
My tenth husband was a psychiatrist, and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it.
My eleventh husband was a gynaecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was look at it.
My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he wanted to do was - ...... God I miss him!
So now I have married a lawyer, so I know I'm going to get screwed.'"; function rndnumber(){ var randscript = -1 while (randscript < 0 || randscript > howMany || isNaN(randscript)){ randscript = parseInt(Math.random()*(howMany+1)) } return randscript };